


Look At Our Son

by Im_writing_out_of_time



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Death, F/M, Sadness, a n g s t, i broke my own heart writing this, oh well
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 19:24:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11424537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Im_writing_out_of_time/pseuds/Im_writing_out_of_time
Summary: After Eliza dies in the hospital, only hours after giving birth to Philip, Alexander is left completely alone to raise a child by himself.Eliza was his rock, his tether when Alexander would fly too high- what was he supposed to do without her? He can't do this baby stuff alone...





	Look At Our Son

Alexander smiled down at his newborn son, his light hair slightly curled, his cheeks round. "Look what we made, Eliza, isn't he just the most perfect thing you've ever seen?" He moved to his wife and kissed her forehead. "You did so well. I'm so proud of you Eliza. So proud," he whispered, his voice cracking. His wife had gone through a long, hard labor that was tiring on all three of them. Philip's head was slightly misshapen from being stuck in the birth canal, Eliza was weak and tired, and Alexander was just tired. It had been a long thirty-nine hour labor. 

"Alexander?" 

"Yes, my love?" He sat in a chair be tween Eliza's bed and Philip's bassinet. 

"Can you help me to the bathroom?" The doctor had come in a little while ago and told Eliza that she was only allowed to stand up if someone was helping her. 

"Absolutely. Just let me move the food tray." He moved around the bed and pushed the food tray out of the way before pulling the covers back from her legs. "Eliza, that's a lot of red blood," he said, his voice trailing off. 

"Alexander, darling, I just had a baby."

"You're right." He was shaking his head. "Of course my dear. I just worry about you, you know." Her legs shook as Alexander helped her from the bed and blood began trailing down her legs. "Eliza?" His voice was shaking and filled with terror as he watched his wife's face get even more pale. 

"The bed, Alexander." 

He lifted her back in the bed and began hitting the nurse call button repeatedly. "Help! Please, someone help us!" Eliza's face fell to the side and her eyes closed. "Eliza! Please, someone help my wife!" He was sobbing as the doctors and nurses forced him out of the room. "Wait! Where's my son? Where's Philip?" 

A nurse pushed the bassinet out in the hallway. "Come with me, Mr Hamilton." She walked a couple doors down the hallway and pushed the bassinet into an empty room. "Mr Hamilton, your wife has lost a lot of blood, and for whatever reason, she's still losing more. There are doctors in there with transfusions, but if they can't find the bleed and stop it, she might not make it. Please, wait here with your son. He needs his father right now."

Alexander grabbed his son and held him tight to his chest, sinking down into the recliner, Philip squirming in his arms. "Please god, I know I've never believed in you before, but my wife Eliza, she's hurting something bad and I can't lose her. Philip can't lose his mother. If you could please, _please_ help her." He could hear the loud tone of the heart monitor suddenly drone on steadily. "No," he whispered. "No!" He cradled Philip in his arms, running down the hallway and peering in the room. There was a doctor performing CPR. "Eliza, please. Philip needs you. _I_ need you. Eliza, please." He sank to the floor, sobbing, Philip's tiny form squirming against his. His sobs could be heard through the hall and Philip began crying. A nurse came from the nurses' station and slid the baby from Alexander's hands. Immediately, Alexander's head fell back, hitting off the wall. His hands came up and made fists on either side of his head. "No, no, no, no. Eliza, my love." He sobbed as the nurse tried calming his son. 

"Mr Hamilton, your son needs you. Please, don't let him lose both of you," she whispered. 

"How can I be a father without her? I acted like I knew what I was doing, but it was her! I can't do this."

The nurse smiled sadly. "You'd be surprised what you could do when it comes time to do it. Come, Mr Hamilton, I'll show you how to do some things. I think, right now, he needs a diaper change. You'll do that, and I'll step in if you need help okay?"

"Can I say goodbye to Eliza first? Please? She was my one true love," he whispered. The nurse nodded and he turned the corner in the room to see blood on the floor, on the bed, covering the sheets. The doctors were still surrounding her, taking off monitors. "What happened?"

"There was a tear in her uterus from labor that we couldn't see. When she was laying down, the blood was able to pool in her uterus, and when she stood up, it all drained from her. By the time we caught it, there was nothing we could do. I'm sorry Mr Hamilton." He set a hand on Alexander's shoulder before walking out of the room, the rest of the hospital personnel following him. 

"Oh, Eliza, my love," he sobbed. "Eliza." He took her hand in his and pressed his forehead to hers. "God, Eliza. Why us? Why you? I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat. Philip needs you, I don't know what to do. It was always you. You were always my rock. You hold me down when I start flying too high. What am I going to do without you?" 

The nurse was at the door with Philip. "Mr Hamilton..."

Alexander pressed his lips to Eliza's forehead, holding her so close he pushed his nose flat against her. "Goodbye, my love. One day, we'll meet again. Keep watch over us, okay?" He kissed her soft lips and brushed his thumb against her cheek before turning away. He grabbed Philip from the nurse's arms and held them close to him. "She was so young. She never hurt anyone and she dies. I have plenty of enemies and yet, here I am. I'm all he has now." He walked down the hall. He helped bring his son into the world and he lost his wife, his true love all in one day. He looked at Philip, praying that he would grow up to look like his mother. He already had her eyes, her lips. "Let's go change your diaper, Philip."

The nurse watched his every movement as he cleaned Philip and wiped ointment on him. "You did great, Mr Hamilton."

Alexander smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Call me Alexander."

"Alright then, Alexander. You're an amazing father, Alexander. You can do this."

He looked at his son, whose eyes were starting to settle to a close. "Is there anywhere I can purchase breast milk for him? It was all Eliza could talk about ever since we found out she was pregnant. She wanted to be able to breastfeed him until he was at least a year old." 

"Sometimes you can find women who are willing to donate supplies. There's a donor bank where you might be able to find someone from around here, willing to donate." 

A small timid woman walked up to them, coming from the room next door. "Excuse me?" Her hair was a beautiful chestnut, but she bore a striking resemblance to Eliza. A man appeared behind her. "I couldn't help but hear what was going on." Her own eyes were red, as were her companions. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I just lost my baby last night, but maybe I could help?"

Her companion placed his hand on her shoulder. "Honey, are you sure?" 

"Yes," she said before turning back to Alexander., "I was wondering if I could help. I mean, nurse your baby. I don't have the need for the milk anymore." Her eyes started to well up with tears and her voice became thick with emotion. "I could even pump if you're not comfortable with that. I just- I wanna help." 

Tears freely streamed down Alexander's face as he nodded his head. He drew the small woman in his arms. "Yes, please. Oh god, you're a godsend." He released the young woman and wrapped his arms around her companion. "Thank you guys so much." He stepped back and wiped at the tears on his face. "Come meet him." His voice was thick with tears. "I just changed him, and he was closing his eyes to sleep, but I would love for you to meet him." The couple was following Alexander when he suddenly stopped. "I didn't even think to ask your names."

The man smiled at him. "I'm Jean-Paul, and this is my wife Christine." 

Alexander smiled at the pair. "Alexander Hamilton. Are you French?"

"Yes, I immigrated from France when I was in college. I fell in love with Christine and I decided to stay here instead of moving back. I still have a slight accent. I apologize if I'm hard to understand at times."

"Don't," said Alexander. "I met one of my best friends in the army. He was French and he barely spoke a lick of English when I met him." They stepped into the room. "Meet Philip," Alexander said, stepping around the bassinet. 

"Can I hold him?" Christine whispered. 

Alexander nodded. "Go ahead." 

She lifted the baby into her arms and sat in the recliner against the wall of the room. "Hi Philip, I'm Christine." His curls were dark against her arm. She smiled, but there was still a hint of sadness on her face. "You look a lot like Gabriel," she whispered. 

Alexander smiled and sat on the empty bed behind him. His chest heaved as he sobbed silently. Christine looked so much like his wife and, holding his son, that's all he could think of. "You look just like my Eliza," he choked out. "But her hair was darker." He tried to smile, or make a joke, but he felt nothing but depressed. "You can feed him if you want. He hasn't nursed in a while." He noticed Philip rooting against her breast and she blushed. "I can turn around if you want, or leave." 

"No, you can stay," she said, pushing aside the breast of her robe. "He's your son, I'm only the milk supplier." 

Alexander didn't say anything, but he watched as Philip latched on as though Christine were his mother. He watched, feeling a sharp pain in his chest. He laid back on the bed and began pulling his shirt away from his neck, trying anything to get a breath into his lungs. He closed his eyes trying to close everything out and his body started shaking uncontrollably. 

He could feel someone's hands on him, but he couldn't force himself to open his eyes. He felt something being wrapped around each of his wrists but the darkness kept pulling him down. He could feel people poking and prodding at him. Suddenly, a bright light was shining in his eyes. His head felt like it was filled with rocks, but he forced his eyes open. 

He sat up and looked around, his eyes wild until he saw Philip attached to Christine's breast. "What happened?"

"You had a panic attack. Apparently that, plus your exhaustion, plus being dehydrated made you pass out. It was only for about fifteen minutes though," the nurse beside him informed him. 

"Alexander, Philip needs to burp. Do you want to burp him?" 

He nodded his head and Philip was transferred to his arms. He rested Philip's body against his shoulder and began patting his back until a burp erupted from his lips. He laughed at the burp that came from his newborn son before laying him in the bassinet beside the bed. He looked at his wrists where he wore hospital bracelets, one had his own name, the other held Eliza Hamilton. He smiled sadly at his wrist before looking at his son in the small, clear bassinet tub. There was an IV line in the back of his hand that the nurses must have stuck there while he was unconscious. The IV line was attached to a bag of saline hanging by the bed. 

"You can both go home tomorrow, Mr Hamilton, providing Philip's check up in the morning goes well." She smiled at him, at Jean-Paul and Christine and walked out of the room. 

Alexander looked at the couple. Christine had covered herself up again and was looking depressed. "How did he die? Gabriel. What happened?"

"No one knows," came Jean-Paul's voice. "It was a textbook labor and delivery but he just- he wasn't alive."

"I'm so sorry." Alexander watched Jean-Paul's hand find Christine's back and rub calming circles. 

"Come, _mon amour_. Let's go back to our room." The couple stood up and walked out, and suddenly, Alexander was alone. Alexander pressed the button to call the nurses beside his bed and almost immediately, a nurse walked in. 

"Can you call someone for me? She was supposed to be flying in from London tonight and I just- I could really use her company. Her name is Angelica, she's Eliza's sister. Was. She _was_ Eliza's sister." 

"Would that be Angelica Church?"

"Yeah, how did you-?"

"I was coming to ask if you knew her so I could let her in." 

"She's here?" His voice broke as the tears started streaming down his face. "Can you send her in?" 

The nurse disappeared and seconds later, Angelica was walking through the door. "Hello, Alexander." Her arms wrapped around his shaking body. "I'm surprised the two of you are still in maternity, seeing as how..." 

Alexander threw his arms around Angelica. "I was sitting right beside her and I couldn't help her!" He sobbed. "I was completely and utterly useless. I just- She died and I wasn't even there to hold her hand and I- I- I-"

"I know."

"I can't be a father by myself. He needs her." 

"Alexander, you're going to be an amazing father to him. I can help you for a little while, until you can handle it by yourself. Do you guys need anything- formula, bottles, diapers?" 

"No, we won't need formula for a while, and Eliza made sure we stocked up on diapers for a while."

"Alexander, the baby needs to eat."

Alexander laughed softly. "I know, Angelica. But the woman next door offered to pump milk to feed him. Her baby was born stillborn and she heard everything that went on this morning and offered her services. I just- She looks so much like Eliza, Angelica. Seeing her nurse Philip earlier nearly killed me."

"You named him Philip? It's a gorgeous name." Angelica sat in the chair between Alexander and the bassinet. 

"Eliza named him." The room was silent, the only sound was the soft breathing of Philip in the bassinet. 

Alexander scratched at the IV in his hands. "It's getting kind of late. Do you want to stay here for the night?" 

"Am I allowed to?" 

"I'll fight the nurse if she tells you to leave. I can't be alone Angelica. I don't know what I'd do to myself." 

"I'll sleep here Alexander. It's okay. I'll help you bring Philip home in the morning. It'll all be okay, Alexander." He waited until Angelica fell asleep before he finally let himself completely break down. He pulled the empty line from the needle in his hand and tossed it away from the bed. He scratched at the needle in his hand and kissed his son and sister-in-law before walking out of the room. 

He walked up to one of the nurses at the desk who gave him a concerned look. "I gotta get out of here. Can I go for a walk or something?" 

The nurse looked at the man on the verge of a breakdown. "Sir, I'm not really sure you should be alone right now."

"Someone can go with me, I just- I need to go somewhere else. I can't- I can't be here. Not where I lost Eliza. Her sister is in the room with him, just please. I need a notebook and a pen, and somewhere else. Please." Sobs racked his body and he was shaking. "Please." 

The nurse grabbed a notebook from her bag and a pen, ripping a page from the notebook before handing it over. "Go ask Jean-Paul to go with you. His wife is still sleeping, but. He was looking to go up to the roof for a while." 

Alexander nodded and walked down the hall, rapping on the door with his knuckles. Jean-Paul opened the door, dark circles under his eyes. "You wanna go somewhere with me? I need to get away for a bit and they don't trust me on my own because I'm technically a patient. Plus, the nurse didn't say anything, but I think she's worried I'll kill myself or something. So what do you say?" 

Jean-Paul nodded his head. "Let me grab my coat. It is January out there." Alexander nodded and waited by the door. Jean-Paul appeared seconds later, a coat on his back. "Let's go to the roof." 

Alexander nodded and followed him. The January wind was biting, but Alexander welcomed the cold. He sat on the cold concrete of the roof and pulled out the pen before burying his mind in what he did best- writing. 

_My dearest Eliza,  
How is it that someone as pure and innocent as you were taken away from our son? Did god decide he needed another angel and chose to take you? I find that quite unfair, for I believe that Philip and I need you way more. My dear Eliza, I find it hard to stop the tears, and even now, the pen mark is being smudged as the tears fall to the paper. I had to get away from the maternity floor, I couldn't be there, knowing you died right there, in the room only two doors down from where Philip and I sleep. I don't know why they kept me and Philip there rather than transferring us to another floor. So here I am, on the roof with a babysitter. The nurses didn't trust me to leave alone. _

__

__

Angelica came. She's staying with Philip while I sit on the roof. My tears are starting to freeze to my face and the wind is biting my skin. But I can't go back down and just sit there. My mind runs all around my memories, our memories. I think of the first time I saw you, our dating, our marriage, everything up until now. Now all that runs through my mind is the fact that I couldn't save you. We sat there, looking at our son. I was so proud- of you, of Philip. I can only hope that one day, he grows up to be as perfect as you. I hope he looks like you, acts like you, encases everything that I love about you. 

Love? Loved? What tense do I use? You are no longer here with me, so I should, in fact, use the past tense, but my Eliza, my sweet Eliza, I am still hopelessly and helplessly in love with you. There is no one else for me on this earth. Who will keep me grounded when I soar too high? Who will calm me down when I need it? Who will listen to me rant incessantly about Jefferson and what idiotic ideas he proposes? 

I met a couple as I was sobbing in the hallway after you left us. They lost their child and the woman offered her breastmilk to feed our son. Her husband is the one babysitting me currently. Our young Philip was hungry and she offered to nurse him right there and she looks so much like you Eliza. She has the same build, the same innocent air about her, yet her hair is a chestnut brown. She could be your twin despite her hair, but she could never be you. No one will ever replace you. No one could even attempt such a thing for you, my love, set the bar too high. 

I will raise our child as you would, Eliza, I promise. I promise to take more time off work, to focus on him as you would. I will raise him with only the best values. I won't allow him to fight, verbally or physically as I tend to. He will speak French and I will pay for a tutor to teach him piano. I know you always dreamed of our children playing piano. 

My babysitter is looking cold as I write this and, although I have lost all feeling in my body, I feel as though I should say goodbye for now and allow us both to go inside and warm ourselves. Our Philip cannot lose both parents. I have to be strong for him. I have to raise him and love him as you always talked. I know he will never bring you back, and I don't expect him to, but I want myself to live for you and I both. He deserves that much from me. I can't seem to pull myself away from this notebook and pen but I must. 

This is not a goodbye Eliza, for I refuse to say goodbye to the woman who made my life meaningful. So I shall say I'll see you later. I love you Eliza, with every fiber of my being. 

_Forever yours, Alexander._

"You look cold, Jean-Paul. Let's go back down. Your wife needs you and my Philip needs his father." Alexander stood and 

Jean-Paul flicked a cigarette over the railing. "Don't tell my wife I had a cigarette, eh?" 

"I won't speak a word of it." 

The pair walked to the metal door and walked through, the wind pushing it shut behind them as they descended the stairs. Though neither of them said a word, they both walked to the hospital cafeteria, each paying for a disgusting slice of soggy pizza that immediately went into the garbage after one bite. 

"It gets better, you know. Losing your wife? Christine is my second wife. My first wife, Louisa, died in a car accident. I never thought I would ever find love again, but here I am, with my Christine, mourning the loss of our second child. I don't know how we'll explain this to our daughter Katrine, but I know we'll all get through this. You'll get through losing your wife. You'll never accept it, but you'll be okay. She'll always be there in your mind, always. But you'll have other things to look forward to. His first crawl, first steps, walking, and then first day of school, graduations, marriage. You'll get to see those things and look forward to them and know that Eliza is watching over you both." 

Alexander stayed silent as they walked up the stairs, back to the maternity ward. "I can't do it without her," he whispered. 

"You can. You will. You won't want to and it'll be hard sometimes but you will. You will because you know it's what she wants." Jean-Paul stopped in front of his wife's door. "Goodnight Alexander," he said, walking into his room and closing the door behind him. 

Alexander walked into his room and looked at Angelica and Philip, wishing Eliza could be there beside him. He pulled off his pants, the denim soaked from sitting on the icy concrete of the roof and crawled into bed. He spent the night tossing and turning, trying to get comfortable. He had always found it hard to fall asleep without Eliza by his side. _That's something I'll have to get used to._

Angelica began to stir next to him. "What time is it?"

Alexander looked at his watch. "Eleven a.m.," he breathed. "And I haven't gotten a wink of sleep. I'm so tired, Angelica. Tired of so much. I don't know if I can be what Philip needs. " 

Before Angelica could reply, a nurse walked in with discharge papers for Alexander and Philip. "Are you guys ready to go home?" 

Alexander shook his head, barely enough for anyone to notice. 

"Come on, Alexander. I'll drive you home," Angelica said, stretching her arms above her head. He nodded and slung his feet over the bed, grabbing the jeans he had laid on the floor and pulling them on his legs. He stepped into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. His eyes were bloodshot and the bags beneath them were dark purple. He looked like hell. His chest constricted and his vision blurred as tears his eyes. He was aware of the faint knocking at the door but he couldn't find his voice. 

The nurse from yesterday's morning shift walked in. "I have to take the IV line out of your hand before you can go home," she said, walking to him. "It'll get better with time." She pressed her finger on the back of his hand and pulled out the IV needle. "You've got a beautiful baby. Go home, put him in the crib, lay down and sleep until he wakes up. Ms Christine is out there nursing him before you go home and she's already got milk pumped for you to take home. Enjoy your time with him while he's little. Teach him who his momma was. He's gonna love you." 

Alexander nodded and walked out of the bathroom. He reached down in Eliza's hospital bag and fished out his keys. "Angelica, can you go pull the car around? I gotta sign some papers and I'll be right down." She slipped the keys from his hand and hugged him before grabbing Eliza's bag and walking out the door. The nurse brought the papers in and set them on the table, pointing where to sign as she tried to make small talk. Alexander gave small answers back as he scribbled his name down on the papers. 

He walked to the rocking chair against the wall where his son was staring around the room, his gray eyes wide, latched on to Christine's breast. Angelica had dressed Philip and the newborn was drooling milk out the side of his mouth. Alexander grabbed his son from Christine's outstretched arms and held him against his chest. Philip's skin was tan against his father's and his hair formed dark curls. "Are you ready to go home little monster?" His hand was patting the child's back and he burped, a tiny bit of milk coming up on Alexander's shirt. "That's a good burp," he whispered. "Let's go home." 

The ride home was silent once Alexander got Philip in his car seat. Angelica stared out the windshield as she drove, blinking away the tears as they came. Alexander grabbed Philip from the back seat of the car as soon as they pulled in and trudged in the house, Angelica on his heels. He could hear Angelica break down as he kicked off his shoes and padded into his and El- _his_ room. 

Pulling back the comforter on the bed, he laid down, Philip in his arms, and closed his eyes. The smell of Eliza surrounded him, the smell mixed with baby powder and laundry detergent. He held Philip close, the only living thing he had to commemorate his love for Eliza. "I love you so much Philip. I promise I'll be a good dad for you," he whispered, pressing his lips to Philip's soft curls. He fell asleep, Philip close to his chest. 

Seven months later, sleeping together had become habit. Philip swung his tiny fists, hitting Alexander awake next to him. Alexander opened his eyes and watched his son jabbering to the sunlight streaming across the ceiling. 

"Are you ready to go visit mommy, Philip? You wanna go see her?" Philip smiled a toothless smile and blew split bubbles at his father who smiled back, laughing. "Come on baby, let's go get dressed and go visit momma." Alexander pulled on a t-shirt and jeans while Philip rolled around on the bed in nothing but a diaper. "Come here, Philip." Alexander grabbed his son and threw him above his head before flying him around the room making airplane noises. He set him on the bed, blowing a raspberry on his stomach before pulling on white onesie and dark jeans over a clean diaper. A plaid button up and socks finished his outfit and Alexander put Philip in the stroller before pulling on his own shoes and slinging the diaper bag over his shoulder. 

The walk to the cemetery was warm, a gentle breeze blowing through. They had buried Eliza two months before and the gravestone was set in place the month after. Alexander pushed the stroller up to the gravestone and laid a blanket over the soft dirt of the grave. Philip was lifted out of his stroller and set on the soft blanket, a toy in his mouth. Alexander laid on the edge of the blanket and stared at the sky, imagining Eliza in his arms rather than beneath him. Blinking away the tears, he turned on his side and stared at Philip trying to stand? He pulled himself up to a stand, for the first time, using his mother's headstone to hold his position. 

Alexander laughed, a smile lighting up his face. "You're standing! Look at you, you're such a big boy." He swung Philip into his arms and held him close. "You look just like your mother," he whispered. He laid down on the blanket, Philip on his chest. Philip was still drooling on his toy as Alexander stared at the sky. "Look at our son, Eliza. Are you proud?"

**Author's Note:**

> Stalk me on tumblr 
> 
> @im-writing-out-of-time


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